Friday, November 13, 2015

Where I'm At

I don't even know. If you would have told me 3 months ago this is where I'd be, I wouldn't have believed you. Cause I was doing SO GOOD. I felt fantastic. Everyday I said to myself, I can't believe how good I feel. 

Maybe some backstory? 

The last few years I noticed my PMS getting worse. I went from a couple days of short-tempered grumpiness to almost 2 weeks worth. That's a big chunk of time to spend being grumpy. But the problem was a bit worse than that. Cause what I felt for at least a week every month was out of control rage. And the feeling like everything was spinning out of control. So I went to the doctor. Cause it was time to do something about it. My doctor prescribed a very low dose anti-depressant to be taken everyday. He said it would take about 3 months to build up and really find out if it would work. But after the first month it was working. And it was fantastic. I had energy and was productive. I even started a new job and new projects around the house. 

I think it was made better by the regular exercise I was doing and had been doing for the last year or so. My weight had been stable for a few years and I was totally fine with that. I'd been regularly exercising and eating pretty well. I knew that more changes would have to be made and I'd have to be a lot stricter if I really wanted to lose weight. But I was fine with myself. I like food. And I hate tracking and counting calories. So as long as I remained stable, I was okay with that. But one of the side effects of the anti-depressant was weight gain. And pretty soon I noticed my body hanging onto everything. Five pounds...ten pounds....after that I just stopped weighing myself. By the third month on the meds I kind of gave up. What was the point of exercising and taking care of myself if the weight was just going to pile on? It was frustrating and kind of spiralled down from there. There were other side effects too. Like extreme tiredness. By 10pm I was a zombie and at age 35 finally started drinking coffee and had to drink it throughout the day. By the time my 3 month trial was over, I wasn't feeling fantastic anymore.  So I went back to the doctor and asked if there was anything else. 

He prescribed another 3 month period on a different drug. And told me to just switch directly to the new one. Eventually I'd be taking one pill, twice a day. But I could ease up to that. Now I'm not sure if it was the new drug or a withdrawal from the old one. But I spent a good chunk of our weekend in Edmonton pretty sick. Like throwing up in the van, just leave me here in the hotel room sick. 

So that was last weekend. And my first full week on the new drug hasn't been much better. The extreme tiredness has gone away. But it has been replaced with extreme dizziness. Which makes me nauseated. So I've been taking gravol everyday. From what I've read this is not unusual and is supposed to go away as my body gets used to everything. And I'd like to stay on it for the 3 months to give it a real shot. But I'm pretty miserable. I've been crying over everything. Even stupid commercials. And the memory foam from our old bed doesn't fit on our new one. And I hate the new mattress. And Costco was out of the foam I wanted. So I had to order it online and it could take 2 weeks to get here (plus it was ridiculous expensive). And I'm now crying. Over a mattress. 

So this is where I am. I'm a mes. 

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